Socially Awkward

  Very Busy week ahead...Very Busy! I'm not usually busy. I've always been one of those people that avoids things that would compromise my free time. Like any kind of extra curricular activities ( meaning basically anything other then school.). I like being alone, and being busy tends to take time away from my alone time which doesn't make me happy. But right now, I am busy and it doesn't  really bother me because I'm doing things that I enjoy. Things that wouldn't be as fun alone as they are with people.

   I like being alone because I am free. I can do whatever I like in my own space with no one there. No one being there means that there is absolutely no need to be acceptable. I can run around in pajamas belting out my favorite show tune and I'm not embarrassing anyone, myself included. It's great. And sure, I get lonely after a while, but only after a while. I like people and I like my life. But I like myself better when the two aren't mixed. Example: I love orange juice. I also like brushing my teeth. But it I brush my teeth and then drink a glass of orange juice...well lets just say that the taste in my mouth is not something I like. So yeah..There you have it! You now know that I'm socially awkward!  

Fields, Streams, Trees, and Pebbles

  Take a pebble and through it in the stream. Take another pebble and through it at my heart. Ping. That's the sound of it bouncing off my heart and landing in my cupped hands. It doesn't hurt. Ping. That's the sound that I hear when you look into my eyes. Mesmerized by your gaze. It's like looking at a beautiful flower. A work of art that is unlike anything you've ever seen. Everything is a blur except you. You and your pebble.

  I am balancing on a tree branch. Will you catch me if I fall? You've let me fall before. Falling in that that sense is bitter. It confirms everything you wanted to know and while you hit the ground like a ton of bricks you realize that you're at the end of the story. And it didn't have a happy ending. But life is a series of story's.

   There's a field that I dream of. At night I drift to this field and I run free and I fall into the tall grass and it's nice. I sit on a blanket in the middle of the field and sing sweetly. The sun is coming up and shines in my hair. You are there sometimes. Standing in the distance. You won't come to me. I'm afraid that you'll never come to me. Every night I will come to this field where it is always daytime, and you will be frozen in the distance. Not moving towards my blanket. I try to ask you to come sit with me. I love being alone but not always. I'd rather you were with me right now. Instead of standing in the tall grass that hides everything but your face from my eyes. I get up and run to you. Jumping over stones and brushing my hand on the ends of the weeds. But you look away and something stops me. You are fading away into the sunset. And I am awoken by the breeze of you disappearance. Awoken into the dark artificial world that I live in. Closing my eyes to hold on the the last bits and pieces of the memories. The pebble and you throwing it and the field and the blanket and running to you and reaching to you and looking into your eyes. The flowers and the sunrise. The world of a beauty that I can only dream of.

  

Simplicity or Life...Choose One.

I spend a lot of time wishing people were more straight forward. Less complicated. It would be so much easier than having to guess all the time. It would get rid of most misunderstandings. So simple. And in a way it would be good. Better. You know, like knowing what someone is thinking because they walked up to you earlier and told you in person. The only thing is, do I really want to know what that person is thinking? I want everything to be crystal clear, but what if it's horribly clear. I'm pretty sure that we're not that blunt for a reason. You can't be that clear with some right from the beginning. Things change, people change, feelings change. There are people that I wouldn't be friends with because didn't like me before. When God made this whole thing up, he did it perfectly. Cause when you think about it, would you rather be confused and curious because you don't know how someone feels or alone and hurt because someone you loved made it clear to you that they didn't love you back? Would you rather lose sleep over someone or lose your life over them because you know you'll never know them the way you thought you needed to know them? Life hurts enough, we don't really need to know the feelings of others...and just think, would you want others to know how you feel about them? What would you rather have Simplicity or Life? Because they certainly don't go together, and thank God for that.

Remebrance Day

Remembrance Day was always one of those Holidays that I respected. I mean, even when I was younger, I wrote poems and won metals and certificates and money for them and I was always proud of myself. I always thought that the achievements based around that day were the reason why I thought it was special. But I realized that it's the other way around. How can you win metals for writing about something that you don't actually care about. Remembrance day has always been important to me, one of the reasons being that it was the the one holiday that I could express myself and my feelings and my talent openly. It's one of the most influential day's of the year for me. It signifies something that I care about and it signifies my talents and my passion. So I'd like to say a few words to the people who make it possible for me to express myself...

Thanks, for all the free days that I've grown up in.
Thanks for the inspiration.
Thanks for the bravery.
Thanks for reminding me how great I have it.
Thanks for fighting for the future.
Thanks for making the Ultimate Sacrifice. 
Thanks for Remembrance Day.

April come she will!

Seasonal Affective Disorder. Ugggghhhhhh! The three words that describe why I think everything sucks and why I'm such a downer most of the time. Hey at least of have an excuse right? Ha ha ha... This makes me laugh. Really hard. It's pretty much the only thing that makes me laugh these days! Get it? Ya know cause I'm depressed? AH whatever...anyways... all I can say is that I can't wait until SPRING! Or at least until the sun comes out. In the mean time I will just listen to a song that describes my mood...literally...

Cry

I sit in one of those really uncomfortable chair that they have in waiting rooms ant hospitals staring at my hands. No tears, that's for those emotional girls that cry when they watch movies like The Notebook. I didn't cry when I watched that movie. I cried when my grandpa died though. At the funeral. In the graveyard, it was raining and I took my shoes off and ran around. I remember the way the grass felt under my feet. It was one of the best feelings. I could have stood there barefoot for the rest of my life. With Grandpa. To tell you the truth, I didn't know him all that well, or at least I don't remember knowing him very well. I remember that he like juicing, and trucks. I remember once he called someone a fag in front of me and my grandma totally freaked and scorned him and I thought it was funny cause I didn't know what what the word fag meant. Now that I think about it, I don't even know why I cried at his funeral. I wasn't close to him at all. Maybe it's because I know he loved me. And anyone that care about you that much has to be worth crying for. Someone who is so happy that you're alive that their telephone password is your birth date is worth crying over. Don't waste your tears on The Notebook. No one in that movie cares. But you can cry at your Grandpas funeral because he probably cared.

Nothing today...

I wrote a blog post but I didn't really like it. Today has been an inspirational day, however, I have nothing that would make any sense at all if I tried to write it down. As you've probably noticed, I have a scatter brain.

The Woman with Ridiculously Loving Paranoia

I had a word of the day, but I just wasn't feeling it, so I'm going to write a little emotional piece called "The Woman with Ridiculously Loving Paranoia" instead...

You're sitting in a chair. Is it a comfy chair darling? Well, I certainly hope so! The cushioned throne on which your rest your behind?  I hope it doesn't fall through the floor boards and land on the hot water tank in the cellar and break the hot water tank and make water gush out all over the foundation of this old drafty house! Or even worse, the whole ordeal would kill you and and I would have to stand in black at your graveside funeral, sniffing my little red nose. That would be a complete disaster! And I would be terribly upset, dear! I would be so distraught be the whole situation, that I would finish off my sleeping pills with my fifth glass of red wine and fall int a very deep sleep so that I could get away from the overwhelming grief. Or maybe I would take the hand gun that's in my jewelery box, you know the one you gave a few years back after that robber broke into our house through the bathroom window when I was there alone and I had to call the police and I was terribly frightened so I wouldn't let you leave the house to go to work so you bought me the little handgun just in case anything like that happened again? Well, I think I would shoot myself in the head! Or maybe I'd jump off of the bridge in town. No I couldn't possibly do that! That was the bridge that kissed on. Remember? No, no, no I couldn't do that. Maybe I would move out of this house and bring that chair with me to a small apartment and sit on in and think about you, and how nice it was when you were still alive, and how nice you looked when you sat in that chair. Darling, I really do hope your chair is comfortable. Because if you were to fall out of it and break your back, I don't know what I would do...

Miracles

Miracles are interesting. I realized that my life is just a bunch of miracles stuck in a life time. I've developed a new point of view on miracles. That is why it is my word of the day...

Definition...

1.an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

2.such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God.

3.a wonder; marvel.

4.a wonderful or surpassing example of some quality: a miracle of modern acoustics.

My previous point of view always related to the Bible. Like, Jesus turning water into wine, or walking on water. And those are miracles. But they're not the only kind of miracles. I mean look at the definition! And when I think of it, I see more than one miracle everyday. I see the work of God everywhere. And I just listed to my favorite song and thought this song is a wonder! And to think that I've been sitting around waiting for some random miracle to happen...and sometimes I might not always get the miracle I want. But really, who cares, all miracles are good in the end right? Of course Right!

Well, I don't really know what to talk about today. I don't feel like writing a fictional monologue or an opinion article or a word of the day article. I'm basically shot for interesting things to say. But I want to write anyway because if I stop, I'll forget write for a week and then I will lose my inspiration! So....wow this feels like when you're baby sitting and you don't have anything left to do with the kids so you just stand there awkwardly..."so...um...who wants to play duck, duck ,goose?!" Ha ha ha, I am being so real right now! I think one of the other reasons why I'm writing without a point is because I want to show you what I'm really like. Because I'm defiantly not special! Lately I've been bumping into adults that read my blog and I get this horrible feeling. I start to feel like I should be something more... I mean, sure I have "great insight" (which is what most people say about my writing), and I love hearing that!!! But I really don't have that kind of insight in person. In fact, I'm actually pretty much the opposite of my writer side. And that's why I don't usually talk about my blog to people in person because while it does relate to my everyday life, it is incredibly different from my everyday life at the same time. I literally write my blog and post it and that's it! I don't like reading it over. My insight is like a burst and it stays with me until I write it down and then it belongs to you. It's not longer mine and I don't even remember a lot of it. That's why I like blogging because I can write it down and leave it for you. So thank you for reading my bursts of insight and I'm so glad that you enjoy them (sometimes). But most of the time I'm not like that...:D

Story of Losing love and Finding Love

I lost my love. Now I sit alone under a tree in the forest waiting for him to come back. But it is getting dark and I have a feeling he might be gone forever. Faded into the dusk like the colors of the world. Things look so different when it is dark. No color. No light. No love. I think I will sit and wait until he comes back. After all, if I leave this place, my heart will stay here anyways. I will be trapped in this place until I die anyway. Sitting on a park bench or on a couch in a house, but my soul will be sit under a tree in the forest waiting for my love. How sad, to be stuck in the cold bitter night, even though your are physically by the fire. Eventually my insides will be frozen in time like a Popsicle is frozen in the freezer because my love has run off into the night and has taken all of my strength with him. I am weak and feeble. Cold and shivering. My blood isn't warm and cozy, it is bitter with abandonment. But I have hope. He will come and unfreeze in blood, like a wonderful cup of hot cocoa! It might take a while, and I might be almost dead by the time he comes. But he will come and bring me into the light of morning. Like spring out of winter. Thawing me out with kisses. For things look so different in the light. Colors bright. No darkness. Lots of Love.

Beauty

I was sitting in my reading period (SSR) with my journal, and I started it out by saying that I didn't know why on earth I brought my notebook to class if I didn't have anything to write about! This is because usually when I bring my notebook to class, it's because I have something that I wish to express in it. But today I had nothing, so I just sat there until I came up with my word of the day..."It's rather typical, and kind of boring" was the first thing I thought of it, but then I realized that when you really think about it, a word can be typical, but never boring...so this is my word of the day:

Beauty
 1.the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

 

2.a beautiful person, esp. a woman.

 

3.a beautiful thing, as a work of art or a building.

 

4.Often, beauties. something that is beautiful in nature or in some natural or artificial environment.

 

5.an individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace; charm: a vivid blue area that is the one real beauty of the painting.

 

6.Informal . a particular advantage: One of the beauties of this medicine is the freedom from aftereffects.

 

7.(usually used ironically) something extraordinary: My sunburn was a real beauty.

 

8.something excellent of its kind: My old car was a beauty.

 

This is very interesting. When I thought of the word Beauty this morning, it was in the context of being beautiful. That is because I felt the very opposite of Beauty today. I felt like a frump! And that made me act like a frump. And as I was sitting in my desk, think about how un-beautiful I was, I started to wonder what beauty actually was. I mean, I've always thought of beauty as physical character. But today, I realized that it isn't just physical. Beauty is a state of mind. Beauty is an attitude. Rebecca Kind Dremen ( a beauty pageant judge) said that;

"You can put a Miss America in a room with a group of other attractive women and you'll find you will know exactly who she is. It's almost like a magnet. There is an inner beauty, an inner glow."

   Beauty isn't just attractiveness, it's deeper. That's why you should always walk around like you are the most beautiful women in the world, because you can't always fix a bad hair day or a bad outfit, but you can always fix your attitude.  

Weakness

Weakness. It's my word of the day.
Definition:
 1.the state or quality of being weak; lack of strength, firmness, vigor, or the like; feebleness.

2.an inadequate or defective quality, as in a person's character; slight fault or defect: to show great sympathy for human weaknesses.

 

   There's something about the irony of this word that has always baffled me. I mean, I've always thought of weakness as a bad thing. It's not good to be weak. It's better to be strong. I've always tried to hide my weakness from people, like it was a defect, like a broken link in my chain. Description 2 says that it is an inadequate or defective quality. But I don't know. If weakness is a defect, then does that mean that every premature baby is born defective? Does that make us all inadequate? We all know that no one's perfect. Human Nature is flawed, but I don't think it's because of weakness. I don't think that weakness is a flawed. I think it's the fear of weakness that is the defect. I think the fear of having my weaknesses exposed has made me way more defective than my weaknesses alone. The fact that I won't open up to someone because they might see my weakness, can destroy and prevent relationships. The fact that I have a weakness, won't do nearly as much damage. Weakness is human nature. Being scared of who you are and more importantly, who you're not, is an inadequate quality.

A story of Stinging Change and Abandonment

Don't think I don't know what your talking about. You little jerk face! I'm done with jealousy! You can't make me hate my friends! That's taking it way to far. You can hurt me all you want but you can't make me hurt my people. You are not one of my people and you don't have the right to go around having feelings right in front of my face. You can't drop me like a rag and go after someone else. I can't believe you would do that! It's like you don't care anymore! Something happened and you can't just leave it like that. I liked you! I really did! And you like me too! We were almost friends. We were almost that close. We didn't think it was a coincidence then. Now it was just how it turned out. And in such a little time, everything changed. Because we weren't really friends like we thought we were. And the is a shame, because you quite interesting and I was starting to accept you even though no one else wanted me to. And this is what you do in return? Really? From almost friends to strangers again. That stupid awkwardness come creeping back into us like we had never gotten rid of it. You kind of deserted me. No one else seems to think that I'm not worth talking to! Do you even know how long it took me to break your stupid barrier? Gosh! I bet you hadn't thought of that before! How much effort I put into this...this..I don't even know what to call it! This almost friendship! I don't know what you thought about the whole thing. And now I don't even think I want to know. You should have ignored me from the beginning. You shouldn't have given me hope you horrible person. Learning that someone isn't special stings like a whip. Finding out that you are just like the rest of them. Accepting people just doesn't happen in your circle. But that's fine. Whatever. You know I'm always there for you. When you find out that you're living in a fairy tale, you can come and talk to me about how you're not any better than me after all. I'll understand. I'll accept you because I have nothing to lose. Unlike you.

Scarborough Fair

Something to think about...

I've already written two blog posts today neither of them are on this blog because I deleted them. The first was an accident and the second was...um...also kind of an accident. So now I have nothing else to say. Because of this I have decided to give you something to think about...I heard this on a travel show on PBS (because yes, I am a nerd.)...

In Denmark , there is a Modern Arts Museum. In that Museum, there is a piece of artwork called "The Wall of Jars". In each jar there's a part of a slaughtered horse. When people complain to the artist about the needless death, he simply responds "What about Vietnam?"

Something to think about...

I am with you...

Do not be afraid of them because I am with you and I will rescue you. Words from God. He's always there. It's awesome. It's really awesome. It's indescribable how great it is to have him there with me all the time. How easily I can talk to the creator of the universe like it's nothing. It's great anyways.

Being okay in your own skin. I thought it was easy, but as it turns out, it's very hard. After years of thinking that you're not good enough...it's surprisingly hard to convince yourself that you are who you are. I know I can't change who I am, and having just realized that I've spent most of my teenage life trying to change that, I've also realized that accepting myself is not an easy task. Being comfortable in my own skin shouldn't be this difficult! But, alas, it is a great challange. And this time, I will not let it get the best of me. Be okay with myself shouldn't be this hard, and one day, it won't be.

Read the Book

I used to be sad because one mean, narrow minded comment could ruin my day. But then I realized...dude! It's just one comment out of so many comments! And most of them are nice loving comments from people that I actually care about! That other random comment is usually spewed from the mouth of someone who is just.....well....someones child so I won't say anything rude....and I wouldn't say anything anyway because then I would be the same as them. But, my point is that usually the person that disses me is not very close to me. Which means, that they don't really know who I am, so why should I mind? I mean, everyone judges a book by it's cover, whether we mean to or not. If all of these people who have read the book, think it's great...then why should I take the one stupid comment, from the person who doesn't even know what the book's about, so seriously? Why should I believe all the stupid sh*t that people say? The truth is that I know who I am and I know who I'm not, and I don't need you to tell me or anyone one else who Grace is. If you want to know who Grace is...Read The Book.

Planned Fate

Today was interesting. It was one of those days where everything seems to be put in place. Like nothing is a coincidence. People walk by and you just know it's not just random. You know there's a hand in it. I know it was planned. It was ridiculous! Just when I thought this day couldn't get more "scheduled", I would bump into someone, or hear someones conversation or talk to someone who was talking about someone and it just kept pointing towards the same thing. Over and over again. Like my fate was all planned out. God really showed up today...like legit!

Running From Monsters

Running. Your flimsy shoes hitting the dirt. Your hair pushed out of your face by the wind. You look behind you, it's still there. The monster your running from the. It's calling your name. "Come back, and face me." it calls. But you don't want to. Your too scared of it. "I can't! I just can't face the monster!" You telling your self to the rhythm of your pounding heart. You used to curl up under the covers and hide, but you can't anymore. You can't stay there, this monster isn't like the little ones. It's huge. It's bigger than you. So you figure, you have to run, there's no other way out. But in the back of your mind, in the depths of your heart, you know that running isn't a way out either. You can only run for so long, you can only go so far before you realize that the monster has somehow become bigger and you have become more alone and scared than you have ever been. So you stop. Stop running. You try to calm your self down, but your breathing too hard. It's cold. You can see your breath in the dusky night. You turn around to see your monster standing there. "Monday's coming" it says. It's not out of breath like you are. "Look, you can't hide forever, like I told you Monday's coming, you can't daydream for ever." The monster is right.

People.

I know that I wouldn't be who I am without people. Other People. Family. Friends. Strangers. Children. Elderly people. People I don't like. People I do like. People I probably couldn't function without. People I probably could function without but I like them anyways. People I don't mind but only because I don't see them on a regular basis. People I do mind because I see them on a regular basis. People I wish I saw more often. People I do see often. People I see often against my will. People I see often but I still wish that I could see them more. Interesting people that I wish I was friends with. Interesting people who are better observed from a distance. Interesting people who are my friends. People who are my friends and have common interests. People who are not my friends but I wish they were because we share common interests. People who are my friends but I'm not quite sure why because we have no common interests. People who are not my friends and we do not talk, most likely because we don't share similar interests. People who are not my friends, but I wouldn't know why we're not friends because I've never spoken to them before. People that I think about a lot. People I don't think about a lot. People I wish I could remember to think about. People I wish I could forget to think about. People I used to think about and it makes me sad that I can forget about them. People I will never forget, People I will always remember (yes there's a difference). People who are black and white. People who are colorful. People I would like to be close to. People I used to be close to. People I am close to.

Either way, Whoever you are, you fit in here somewhere. And it's okay that you don't know me. Or that your not really my friend even though I think you are. And it's okay if you think that I'm not cool. Because no matter what you accomplish in your life or how many lives you change, if you're not cool, you're just not cool. And that's okay too, cause at least you can choose whether you're going to accomplish good things or bad things in your lifetime. And when people think about you later, they won't really remember if you were cool or not. They're going to remember you, and what you accomplished and how you changed they're lives. I don't know about you, but that sounds a lot cooler than just being cool.

GREEN

Ok this is really silly but it's driving me up the wall (and no it wasn't a long trip). Everywhere I look, I see Green. Just now I looked outside and saw rows and rows and rows of GREEN corn...and when the rows of green corn end, there is a line of nice big GREEN trees. I just finished mowing the lawn which is covered in luscious GREEN grass. And when I'm done writing this incredibly stupid blog post about GREEN, I'm going to go put on my bathing suit (guess what color it is? GREEN! Crazy eh?) and sunbath on my GREEN lawn. Thank God the sky isn't Green.

Burke Camp

Well, back from Camp and I gotta tell ya, I'm pretty bitter sweet about it. Although I'm excited to be able to take longer showers and to sleep in my bed and go out and share what I've learned in the past week with the world, I miss it. I miss being with other Christians and have deep discusions as well as inside jokes.
It has been amazing. Everything about this Camp Meeting has been amazing. After 16 year of Camp, this year has been the best. This year has really changed me. And I pray that my spirit doesn't go away.

One of those days..weeks...months...lives.

Have you ever had one of those days...or weeks...or months where nothing is completely clear and your not 100% sure about anything? Story of my life over the past few weeks. I can't remember the last time I was perfectly sure about something. There's always this awful feeling in my gut telling me to run away. Run away from everything. But considering I have absolutely nothing else to do but what I'm doing right now. I don't run. Because no matter which direction I run in, there will always be someone at the end of the road with their hand on their hips, waiting to tell me what I've done wrong and how to fix it. And the solution is always to go back. Take responsibilty for whatever I ran away from. And the worst part about it is that, even if my life depended on it, I wouldn't be able to look that person in the eye and say "You know what? It's my life!" But then again, maybe that's a good thing. What if it turns out that running from your problems really isn't the solution. What if all of those people waiting at the end of each little road, holding me accountable, are right. Maybe having backbone doesn't mean telling people off when they try to give me advice. Maybe it means standing up to my problems and fixing them, and getting through rough patches without a loophole.

Ah, the sweet smell of Procrastination in the middle of the night...

Well, surprise surprise! I have 5 1 page journal entries to write for tomorrow. I know, I know, I should have done these entries a while ago but if you know me, you know how much of a chronic procrastinator I am but I don't think at this point I'll be able to stop! I've given up on trying not to wait until the last minute! Even when I start projects early I still can't get them finished on time, and if I do get it in on time, it's only because I stayed up till' midnight or spent my lunch finishing it! Egad!!! I am majorly pathetic!!! Anyway, this blog is the perfect example of my procrastination habit. I should be flipping through newspapers looking for articles for my journal entries but nope. I'm writing this blog entry instead. I think I've lost my mind and am now a crazy mess!PRAY FOR ME!!!!!

La Vie en Rose

I'm listening to French music from the 1930's and 40's. I love it. There's something so calming and passionate about it. It's so romantic and Nostalgic yet very sad too. It is so soothing and boisterous at the same time. It makes me wish I could walk around with a soundtrack of Edith Piaf chansons in the background. It's just such great contrast. It could go with anything. And the best part is that you don't even have to know the lyrics. All I have to do is hum along with it and I feel happy. It makes my life feel like an old musical. I just want to go to Provence and put some fancy perfume on and drink lots of wine and eat baguettes. :)

Generals Die in Bed

So (I'm starting to notice that I start every post with this word) I just finished reading the book that was assigned to my English class called Generals Die in Bed. I was only supposed to read to chapter four but I completely fell in love with the book and the characters (which I found out was a bad thing to get attached to) that I flipped through page after page after page until I found myself in the middle of chapter eleven. The book is a memoir of a man named Charles Yale Harrison and his experiences during World War One (wow this is starting to sound like a literary response! Ah!). Anyways, you can imagine how life was in the trenches with all the rats and lice and mud and such...oh did I forget gunfire? Yes there was quite a bit of gunfire too. I think it's one of the saddest books I'd ever read.
There has never been a book that has made me cry like that before. Usually when I see something sad, I have to let it sink in before I start crying...it usually takes me hours to ponder the sad event that I have just witnessed before the emotion sets in. For instance, when something scares me, I hardly ever scream, or when I see a sad movie, I rarely cry during the movie, but rather in bed that same night when all is quiet.
So this book is horribly sad without much of the emotion being showed by the characters. I hope that was said well, I wrote it and I don't even quite get it! Anyway, I guess that's all part of war. To create men who kill for money and vengeance and are thought not to dwell on fallen comrade, never mind the enemy(or commonly referred to in the book as Hienies). But for me, death is devastating (as it should be...right?) So got so attached to these characters and watching them die (well, "reading" them die) was compley and utter agony! Yet, he moved on so quickly that I found myself getting over it too. Because emotion doesn't sink in right away for me, I was sitting there reading like it was nothing. "Oh! look at that. His best army friend just got his legs blown off and is now crying out to him for help. What a shame. Lets just keep on running..."
Now I'm this guy wasn't a monster and he really does seem like he gives a crap about his poor legless friend. And that makes it even sadder. By the end of this book I was crying like you wouldn't believe it, and it's all because of this terrible thing that makes me sad all the time and yet I'm so fascinated by it that I could read about it all day and never get bored. I cried because i couldn't believe I was enjoying this novel about this terrible thing. This ragging, firing, shrieking ball of misery that turns men into killing machines and women into widows, countries poor and villages torn to pieces. This thing practically wiped out a generation. The lost generation. The generation lost to a monster that makes up our society, our world, or economy. Practically suicide and yet we can't live without it. WAR.

tie-die

So I was sitting at my frien Meagans counter and we were making tie-die shirts when I suddenly thought to myself...where do I stand. Where do I stand in the world around me? How significant am I to the people around me? What do people think when they see me on the street or in a car? What do people even think of my blog? It's so frustrating not to know. But I guess that's what makes us hummble. If we knew what great things people thought about us...we'd all have suber huge heads! And if we knew all the negative things that people thought about us, we'd be pretty bummed. I mean, I really want to know where I stand in school and stuff like that. What if I stand at the bottom of the most bottomest people in the school? Do I really want to know where I stand? Good question. hmmmm....maybe I should ponder it before I decide to ask God to tell me where I stand.

wow... yikes

So I was sitting on the bus and I thought to myself "Man I gotta stop eating so much!". So I made this promise to myself that I would only eat when I was hungry for the rest of the day. Pffftt.. Yeah Right! I got home and found out that my mom had been out and had stopped at a bake sale. Now if you know me, you know that one of my greatest weaknesses is food. Particularly SWEETS!!! I walk in the house and practically eat half of the baked goods that I mom bought. AH!

If only not eating was as easy done as said because I don't know how many times I've told myself that I'm gonna stop eating when I'm not hungry but I never really have. I'm starting to realize just how big of a deal it is. I mean, at this point, I'm never gonna grow out of it, it definitely not baby fat and it won't just go away. It's here to stay. This fat is my own doing. It seems funny that I never realized that before. And I think I did. But to actually say it out loud "This is NOT MY MOTHERS FAULT ANYMORE!!!" I've never done that before. And we all know that you can't change something that you don't think it's your fault. I think that's why I wrote this blog. So I could have proof that I said that me being fat is my fault. So if I deny it...Remind me that I wrote it down here! Please!! ;)

Maybe everything's not fine...

How come everything's fine, and I'm not happy?

Answer that one for me.

Celebrity Testimonials

I was thinking the other day about propaganda. This is because I'm making this huge poster on celebrity testimonials in advertising. I grabs a bunch of magazines and flipped through all of them, ripping out the pages with celebrities faces on them. As I was doing this, I was thinking "does this crap really work?". Does Ellen asking "Does your Makeup make you look older?" make middle aged women all over America rush to the nearest drug store in hopes that there's still some "SimplyAgeless" Covergirl foundation left on the shelves? Does a picture of Jordan Sparks with a frothy milk-like substance on her lip and a glass of milk in her hand, really make teenage girls run to the fridge?

It does. And while Jordan Sparks isn't enough to make me drink a tall glass of Bessy's Finest, she is enough for her biggest fans. If I think back to last may, me and my mom were at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Now, Springsteen is one of our favorite musicians, and all it took was one inspiring song and a little speech about how we should donate to a Toronto food bank and we were sold. Five dollars of our money went to feeding the homeless without question.

So while you're sitting in the dentists office flipping through magazines and you see Halle Berry with bright red lips, or some random basketball player advertising reading, and think you're not affected by testimonials, put your favorite celebrity in their place.

Face it, we may think that being easily persuaded to buy or do something is weak, but it's not. It's human nature. And that guy in the advertising business knows that too. ;D

My new hair cut...

Well, March break has been pretty much uneventful. I did get a hair cut. I really like it! And when I say I "really like it" I don't mean "yeah...it's..um..well...it's nice.." I mean WOW!! Best hair cut in a while! The last time I got a hair cut was in February...of last year. So when the lady cut my hair she went on and on about how dry and thirsty my hair was and how bad the ends were. To add on to the lecture, I have really hard water (it's got so much iron in it that my dogs plastic water dish is turning yellowish-orange!) , which, from what I learned from her, takes the shine out of my hair...which is very true. So she lathered up my hair with this special mineral dissolving shampoo about three or four times. Then she put conditioner in, combed through it (which took forever) and finally started cutting. When she was finished she let it air dry. It looked so great, it was so soft I loved it! The only thing that bugs me is that despite the fact that she barely put any products in it and she didn't style it at all, I still can't get it the way she got it!!! But whatever, it's perfect anyway!

Prince Charming Joseph...

Well, it's been a while since I posted anything. I think it's just 'cause I can't think of anything worth blogging about. So, anyways, I found something...

So I was reading my Bible a minute ago and before I open my bible I always pray that God will bless me and my Bible. Today I did that and I also asked him to teach me something because I'm in a learning mood despite the fact that it's march break. So after my prayer I let my bible fall open, and it fell to the very first page of Matthew. The first thing I thought was " Okay God, I know the Christmas story already!" and the very first thing I read was "The Genealogy of Jesus", and if you've ever looked through the bible, the phrase " The Genealogy of..." mean boring and (somewhat pointless) reading. Somehow, my eyed scanned the bottom of the page ( Matthew 1:18-25). I read the whole paragraph about 5 times and then I thought to myself, "Well, I'll check the other page, maybe God's lesson is on the next page...", and then something stopped me and I re-read the verses.

The Birth of Jesus Christ

¹⁸This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. ¹⁹Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

²⁰But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. ²¹She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."

²²All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: ²³"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us."

²⁴When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. ²⁵But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

Wow, what I guy. I mean, I don't know about you but if I had to choose a guy to be with for the rest of my life, it would be Joseph. He is absolutely amazing. First, he want to get a quiet divorce so that his wife (or future wife) , who he thinks has just cheated on him, won't have to deal with public humiliation. He loves and trusts god enough to drop his plan and follow God's plan (which I must say, is a pretty "far out" plan). If you want to be the image of God, take some notes from Joseph.

God wants the best for each one of his daughters. He doesn't want us to settle for anything less. He wants us to trust him. So much so, that when he tells us to wait for the perfect guy, and not settle for someone else, we will no that it's the absolute best plan. He wants each and every christian woman to have a husband just like Joseph. A strong christian, with a soft and trusting heart, and will to do God's will. He doesn't want us to settle for someone less than a Joseph.

I think I need to give it all to God because he knows when my Joseph will come along, and he also knows that it's going to be very hard for me to wait. That's why he's always there to remind me that I can always run to him when I'm feeling lonely, and worthless. He knows exactly what best for me and he has it all planned out. All I have to do is sit back and wait for him to send my prince charming. Hehe... :P

New Year Resolutions...Blah!!

Yes..I am very aware that everybody is gonna blog (if they haven't already) about their new years resolutions. Just thought I'd express that before you say "ugh, not more crap about the new year!" So now that I've started, I might as well finish.

No New years resolutions. If I want to make some huge life change, I will do it. That's it. It's not a resolution. Not a New Years one either.