Cry

I sit in one of those really uncomfortable chair that they have in waiting rooms ant hospitals staring at my hands. No tears, that's for those emotional girls that cry when they watch movies like The Notebook. I didn't cry when I watched that movie. I cried when my grandpa died though. At the funeral. In the graveyard, it was raining and I took my shoes off and ran around. I remember the way the grass felt under my feet. It was one of the best feelings. I could have stood there barefoot for the rest of my life. With Grandpa. To tell you the truth, I didn't know him all that well, or at least I don't remember knowing him very well. I remember that he like juicing, and trucks. I remember once he called someone a fag in front of me and my grandma totally freaked and scorned him and I thought it was funny cause I didn't know what what the word fag meant. Now that I think about it, I don't even know why I cried at his funeral. I wasn't close to him at all. Maybe it's because I know he loved me. And anyone that care about you that much has to be worth crying for. Someone who is so happy that you're alive that their telephone password is your birth date is worth crying over. Don't waste your tears on The Notebook. No one in that movie cares. But you can cry at your Grandpas funeral because he probably cared.

Nothing today...

I wrote a blog post but I didn't really like it. Today has been an inspirational day, however, I have nothing that would make any sense at all if I tried to write it down. As you've probably noticed, I have a scatter brain.

The Woman with Ridiculously Loving Paranoia

I had a word of the day, but I just wasn't feeling it, so I'm going to write a little emotional piece called "The Woman with Ridiculously Loving Paranoia" instead...

You're sitting in a chair. Is it a comfy chair darling? Well, I certainly hope so! The cushioned throne on which your rest your behind?  I hope it doesn't fall through the floor boards and land on the hot water tank in the cellar and break the hot water tank and make water gush out all over the foundation of this old drafty house! Or even worse, the whole ordeal would kill you and and I would have to stand in black at your graveside funeral, sniffing my little red nose. That would be a complete disaster! And I would be terribly upset, dear! I would be so distraught be the whole situation, that I would finish off my sleeping pills with my fifth glass of red wine and fall int a very deep sleep so that I could get away from the overwhelming grief. Or maybe I would take the hand gun that's in my jewelery box, you know the one you gave a few years back after that robber broke into our house through the bathroom window when I was there alone and I had to call the police and I was terribly frightened so I wouldn't let you leave the house to go to work so you bought me the little handgun just in case anything like that happened again? Well, I think I would shoot myself in the head! Or maybe I'd jump off of the bridge in town. No I couldn't possibly do that! That was the bridge that kissed on. Remember? No, no, no I couldn't do that. Maybe I would move out of this house and bring that chair with me to a small apartment and sit on in and think about you, and how nice it was when you were still alive, and how nice you looked when you sat in that chair. Darling, I really do hope your chair is comfortable. Because if you were to fall out of it and break your back, I don't know what I would do...

Miracles

Miracles are interesting. I realized that my life is just a bunch of miracles stuck in a life time. I've developed a new point of view on miracles. That is why it is my word of the day...

Definition...

1.an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

2.such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God.

3.a wonder; marvel.

4.a wonderful or surpassing example of some quality: a miracle of modern acoustics.

My previous point of view always related to the Bible. Like, Jesus turning water into wine, or walking on water. And those are miracles. But they're not the only kind of miracles. I mean look at the definition! And when I think of it, I see more than one miracle everyday. I see the work of God everywhere. And I just listed to my favorite song and thought this song is a wonder! And to think that I've been sitting around waiting for some random miracle to happen...and sometimes I might not always get the miracle I want. But really, who cares, all miracles are good in the end right? Of course Right!

Well, I don't really know what to talk about today. I don't feel like writing a fictional monologue or an opinion article or a word of the day article. I'm basically shot for interesting things to say. But I want to write anyway because if I stop, I'll forget write for a week and then I will lose my inspiration! So....wow this feels like when you're baby sitting and you don't have anything left to do with the kids so you just stand there awkwardly..."so...um...who wants to play duck, duck ,goose?!" Ha ha ha, I am being so real right now! I think one of the other reasons why I'm writing without a point is because I want to show you what I'm really like. Because I'm defiantly not special! Lately I've been bumping into adults that read my blog and I get this horrible feeling. I start to feel like I should be something more... I mean, sure I have "great insight" (which is what most people say about my writing), and I love hearing that!!! But I really don't have that kind of insight in person. In fact, I'm actually pretty much the opposite of my writer side. And that's why I don't usually talk about my blog to people in person because while it does relate to my everyday life, it is incredibly different from my everyday life at the same time. I literally write my blog and post it and that's it! I don't like reading it over. My insight is like a burst and it stays with me until I write it down and then it belongs to you. It's not longer mine and I don't even remember a lot of it. That's why I like blogging because I can write it down and leave it for you. So thank you for reading my bursts of insight and I'm so glad that you enjoy them (sometimes). But most of the time I'm not like that...:D

Story of Losing love and Finding Love

I lost my love. Now I sit alone under a tree in the forest waiting for him to come back. But it is getting dark and I have a feeling he might be gone forever. Faded into the dusk like the colors of the world. Things look so different when it is dark. No color. No light. No love. I think I will sit and wait until he comes back. After all, if I leave this place, my heart will stay here anyways. I will be trapped in this place until I die anyway. Sitting on a park bench or on a couch in a house, but my soul will be sit under a tree in the forest waiting for my love. How sad, to be stuck in the cold bitter night, even though your are physically by the fire. Eventually my insides will be frozen in time like a Popsicle is frozen in the freezer because my love has run off into the night and has taken all of my strength with him. I am weak and feeble. Cold and shivering. My blood isn't warm and cozy, it is bitter with abandonment. But I have hope. He will come and unfreeze in blood, like a wonderful cup of hot cocoa! It might take a while, and I might be almost dead by the time he comes. But he will come and bring me into the light of morning. Like spring out of winter. Thawing me out with kisses. For things look so different in the light. Colors bright. No darkness. Lots of Love.

Beauty

I was sitting in my reading period (SSR) with my journal, and I started it out by saying that I didn't know why on earth I brought my notebook to class if I didn't have anything to write about! This is because usually when I bring my notebook to class, it's because I have something that I wish to express in it. But today I had nothing, so I just sat there until I came up with my word of the day..."It's rather typical, and kind of boring" was the first thing I thought of it, but then I realized that when you really think about it, a word can be typical, but never boring...so this is my word of the day:

Beauty
 1.the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

 

2.a beautiful person, esp. a woman.

 

3.a beautiful thing, as a work of art or a building.

 

4.Often, beauties. something that is beautiful in nature or in some natural or artificial environment.

 

5.an individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace; charm: a vivid blue area that is the one real beauty of the painting.

 

6.Informal . a particular advantage: One of the beauties of this medicine is the freedom from aftereffects.

 

7.(usually used ironically) something extraordinary: My sunburn was a real beauty.

 

8.something excellent of its kind: My old car was a beauty.

 

This is very interesting. When I thought of the word Beauty this morning, it was in the context of being beautiful. That is because I felt the very opposite of Beauty today. I felt like a frump! And that made me act like a frump. And as I was sitting in my desk, think about how un-beautiful I was, I started to wonder what beauty actually was. I mean, I've always thought of beauty as physical character. But today, I realized that it isn't just physical. Beauty is a state of mind. Beauty is an attitude. Rebecca Kind Dremen ( a beauty pageant judge) said that;

"You can put a Miss America in a room with a group of other attractive women and you'll find you will know exactly who she is. It's almost like a magnet. There is an inner beauty, an inner glow."

   Beauty isn't just attractiveness, it's deeper. That's why you should always walk around like you are the most beautiful women in the world, because you can't always fix a bad hair day or a bad outfit, but you can always fix your attitude.  

Weakness

Weakness. It's my word of the day.
Definition:
 1.the state or quality of being weak; lack of strength, firmness, vigor, or the like; feebleness.

2.an inadequate or defective quality, as in a person's character; slight fault or defect: to show great sympathy for human weaknesses.

 

   There's something about the irony of this word that has always baffled me. I mean, I've always thought of weakness as a bad thing. It's not good to be weak. It's better to be strong. I've always tried to hide my weakness from people, like it was a defect, like a broken link in my chain. Description 2 says that it is an inadequate or defective quality. But I don't know. If weakness is a defect, then does that mean that every premature baby is born defective? Does that make us all inadequate? We all know that no one's perfect. Human Nature is flawed, but I don't think it's because of weakness. I don't think that weakness is a flawed. I think it's the fear of weakness that is the defect. I think the fear of having my weaknesses exposed has made me way more defective than my weaknesses alone. The fact that I won't open up to someone because they might see my weakness, can destroy and prevent relationships. The fact that I have a weakness, won't do nearly as much damage. Weakness is human nature. Being scared of who you are and more importantly, who you're not, is an inadequate quality.

A story of Stinging Change and Abandonment

Don't think I don't know what your talking about. You little jerk face! I'm done with jealousy! You can't make me hate my friends! That's taking it way to far. You can hurt me all you want but you can't make me hurt my people. You are not one of my people and you don't have the right to go around having feelings right in front of my face. You can't drop me like a rag and go after someone else. I can't believe you would do that! It's like you don't care anymore! Something happened and you can't just leave it like that. I liked you! I really did! And you like me too! We were almost friends. We were almost that close. We didn't think it was a coincidence then. Now it was just how it turned out. And in such a little time, everything changed. Because we weren't really friends like we thought we were. And the is a shame, because you quite interesting and I was starting to accept you even though no one else wanted me to. And this is what you do in return? Really? From almost friends to strangers again. That stupid awkwardness come creeping back into us like we had never gotten rid of it. You kind of deserted me. No one else seems to think that I'm not worth talking to! Do you even know how long it took me to break your stupid barrier? Gosh! I bet you hadn't thought of that before! How much effort I put into this...this..I don't even know what to call it! This almost friendship! I don't know what you thought about the whole thing. And now I don't even think I want to know. You should have ignored me from the beginning. You shouldn't have given me hope you horrible person. Learning that someone isn't special stings like a whip. Finding out that you are just like the rest of them. Accepting people just doesn't happen in your circle. But that's fine. Whatever. You know I'm always there for you. When you find out that you're living in a fairy tale, you can come and talk to me about how you're not any better than me after all. I'll understand. I'll accept you because I have nothing to lose. Unlike you.

Scarborough Fair

Something to think about...

I've already written two blog posts today neither of them are on this blog because I deleted them. The first was an accident and the second was...um...also kind of an accident. So now I have nothing else to say. Because of this I have decided to give you something to think about...I heard this on a travel show on PBS (because yes, I am a nerd.)...

In Denmark , there is a Modern Arts Museum. In that Museum, there is a piece of artwork called "The Wall of Jars". In each jar there's a part of a slaughtered horse. When people complain to the artist about the needless death, he simply responds "What about Vietnam?"

Something to think about...

I am with you...

Do not be afraid of them because I am with you and I will rescue you. Words from God. He's always there. It's awesome. It's really awesome. It's indescribable how great it is to have him there with me all the time. How easily I can talk to the creator of the universe like it's nothing. It's great anyways.